Control Freak

Bible Study this evening was really good. It was a wrap-up session. I came into the study four weeks ago, on chapter 11 of 12 chapters, so I haven't been long, but I really feel like I belong here.

I'm actually so happy and pleased with the way our church involvement is evolving that I honestly am thinking that staying here wouldn't be so bad. I know that the Lord has a plan, but I just want Him to know that I'm open to this one. (Haha.)

Which brings me to the topic of my post. As we women were talking this evening, several mentioned that they are struggling with the need to please others, that they seek earthly approval for their actions. I silently thanked God that this is not my vice. I've been mostly free of this for 12 years.

Instead, I'm a control freak. I need to be in control and I have known this for a long time. I remember telling that to the Scooby-Doo stalker in college during a conversation and realizing how true it was. Here I am a decade later and I'm no more enlightened. I don't drink or party, because I refuse to tempt myself to be out of control (which really is not a pleasant prospect anyway), not to mention that I'm too old for that kind of reckless behavior. I don't understand people my age who can still hang out at bars as a social center and drink to the point of drunkenness. Haven't they found anything better to do? (I'm really trying not to judge--I just don't understand because it's not in my control freak personality.)

So this is my battle. When I lost my job in May, people asked, "What are you going to do?" They wanted to know if I was nervous that Eli and I were jobless and that we had no idea what the future held. But in truth I know that God has a plan, and that's what I would say. It's all going to work out for God's greater good. And I believed it. Mostly. Then, being the sinner that I am, I started making my own plans. Just ask Eli about my Navy JAG plan to move to Italy or Spain and teach for DoDDS while having a native nanny raise my bilingual children, and having my niece and nephew and Eli's cousins come visit during the summer to be a mother's helper. I just take seeds of ideas and I run with them...making my own grand plans. I'm out of control when I'm "planning."

Are God's plans not good enough? Does he really need a backseat driver? This whole free will thing is daunting, especially since I know that no matter what, in the end, God's will will be done, with or without me. I'm either with Him, or I'm against Him. But, to be with Him, I have to concede that ever-frightening loss of control. It's not my life to live. I keep forgetting that (again and again after all these years...) and have to constantly be retaught and relearn the Truth.

I'm only human. And that is very humbling.