Change

I kept having nightmares last night that I fell asleep with the baby in bed with me and that she got lost. I had my arms around something I thought was Elsie, but it turned out to be a pillow. I would wake up and thankfully she would be where she should be--asleep in the bassinet. Same dream, multiple times. I have a feeling this is the beginning of 18+ years of Elsie-related anxiety dreams.

Speaking of anxiety, Mom left yesterday, after an emotional week here in Alabama. Me thinks I would have crumpled this week without her help. Being sleep deprived makes me grouchy and annoyed at stupid little things. I then get frustrated with myself for being this crazy person. But Mom was there to encourage and reassure me that it's okay. I've heard from several sources that I may never be that same again, that I may never feel like myself, and that we'll just have to get used to the new me, the mother me. Another thing to look forward to.

Something else that will take getting used to is the cats vying for our attention. Coco has started meowing in a way that imitates Elsie's cry (to the point that it fools my mammary glands). Eli says it's just because he had freshly awakened and that his meow gets stronger and more cat-like when he is more awake, but I don't agree. He's done that cry just walking around the house. It is one of the most bizarre things I have encountered with this cat yet. Timmy is loving all the baby stuff packaging cardboard boxes that he can sleep in. However, any time Eli sits down, he's right there on his lap, sometimes trying to share space with Elsie (which is nice, because Coco just wants to sit on her--forget sharing).

And finally, another reminder that I'm not in control. (C'mon? Will I ever learn?) We have 12 days left to let our apartment complex know if we're staying or leaving at the end of our lease on June 30. Up to right now we have had no idea. And for the record, we still have no idea, so it's a leap of faith. Last week, Opelika City Schools called me and asked me to update my application for the next school year, as there would be a language arts opening soon. Yes, that's right. They called me. Because of their attentions, I reluctantly updated my application, as I'm still conflicted about this stay-at-home-mom thing. Last night a woman from the district called me on a Sunday night to ask me to come in this week for an interview with the principal at OMS. I've worked for him before, back in September when I served as a long-term sub for another teacher's maternity leave, before I was hired into my full-time position in Chambers County. She called this morning to ask me to come in this afternoon.

Eli and I had a heart-to-heart last night about what the future holds, about what we're going to do about this lease. He still has his heart on the Coast Guard, and if the Lord sees that one through, it would still be sometime during the next year before he would go to training--same with the National Guard, actually. He said he's resigned to be here for another year. But then he admitted that it wasn't really resignation. We both agreed that we are very happy here. I don't have the urge to move anywhere else, though I'd be willing if it came to that.

Anyway, I'm going this afternoon. I will come home with a job. We will move at the end of June to the Opelika side of town where the rent is cheaper and the church community is closer. And we will live off of one salary for a year (though hopefully will have two incomes) to try to pay down some of this student loan debt--maybe even pay mine off--and credit card debt.