Growing Older

I know, I know.  I'm still in the first third of my life, give or take.  But I'm going to say that this growing older thing is the source of my turmoil right now.  I'm not talking about anything physical, parts falling apart, etc.  This is totally the emotional turmoil that's got me all wound up.

I didn't cry this much before I had kids.  I swear.  (Dang hormones.)

But, I see a child that is running around talking, having intelligent conversations, and I know that when we first moved here, that child was in a baby carrier.  Cue watery eyes of nostalgia.  Where had the time gone?

I look at college athletes and think, "Wait.  I'm not their age anymore.  I'm a decade older."  Where has the time gone? Eyes water.

I mention something to my students that happened in 2000, recent history for me.  They weren't even born yet.  What?  How is that possible?

I have friends from high school who already have five or six kids.  Again, how is that possible?  Didn't we just graduate?

I have friends from college who have been married, divorced, and remarried.  Already. Are we even old enough to be married the first time?

I'm on the brink of celebrating a decade of marriage and I still feel like a beginner, you know?  Sometimes I feel like a visitor at the in-laws', even though I know I'm not.

And, I think the thing that makes me most emotional is change.  When people that I know and love move away.  Or when I know that they're going to move.  G&J at church will only be here for another eight months.  My beloved neighbors will also be PCS-ing around the same time.  J&S got married and moved.  My team at work was the same for two years, and has changed each year for the past two (teacher friends have moved).  Every year my heart becomes even more stubborn about accepting different circumstances.  And every year, the Lord is faithful throughout those changes, but it is still a source of growing pains for me .

I got a Christmas card from my best friend from college in the mail.  I read the Christmas letter.  I was sitting on the stairs, I remember, and the kids were eating at the table, and Eli was standing in the kitchen. I just burst into tears.  The kids were confused, and I was confused, and Eli was definitely confused.  I was just so sad.  There was nothing sad in that letter, per se.  But the fact that all those things happened and that I was not a part of it--THAT was sad.  (And I will admit, it brought on a little wave of jealousy of the people who ARE a part of her life.) We live so far away, and we are in such different spots in our lives, and I wonder how it is that we consider each other friends, let alone best friends, after not being a part of each others' lives for so long.

I think about the amazing women at church and then am sad about how we aren't really friends in the way that I once could be friends with other women.  You know, before the husband and the kids came along.  I, of course, would never go back, would never have it any other way, but my heart still mourns for that possibility a little, and that makes me sad.  Getting together with them monthly is a small fix, and I'll take it, but I just wish I could do/have it all.

Many times, I feel like a terrible friend since my life is so me-and-my-family-centered, and I probably am.  But, I have been reassured by other loving older women that this is just a passing phase in my life as the mother of small children.

Man, I hope so.  And maybe someday the hormones will work themselves back out and I won't cry at ridiculous stuff anymore.  Maybe?

Cheers.

Beaver Christmas Decor

We've lived in this house for 2.5 years, and out of three Christmases, this is the first year I've actually put some thought and effort into decorating.  Two years ago, we barely had a tree and stockings hanging from the mantle (but Elsie didn't have a stocking).  Last year, we didn't have a tree, but we had stockings.  The kids' stockings were the generic red ones that I got 50% off (so, $.50 each) after Christmas two years ago.

So, yeah.  This is the year I put on my grown-up decorator pants.  And this is what I came up with--except I forgot to take pictures of the dining room, so I'll have to take care of that tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!

Debt Update December 2012

Made a hefty payment this month.  We'll pay off this thermometer by the year's end!!

 Second 10K Chunk, started 5/1/12

 

Fundraising Thermometer

 

We had gotten away from reviewing our budget every month, just automatically going off the last month's budget, so this month we plan to get back on track.  So excited for the next debt update posting!

Cheers!

Random $ Thoughts

An acquaintance of mine posted a link to an article on Facebook, and I'm not sure if the idea behind this is brilliant or stupid.

Here, I'll let you read it yourself.  I'll wait.

::gets up and brushes her teeth::

::feeds the cat so he won't keep sitting on her every time she sits down::

Okay. I'm conflicted.  The concept behind this--the arbitrary forgiveness of debt--is fascinating.  That other people would willingly buy random debt for pennies, and then just forgive it seems like a Christ-like story if ever I heard one.

But it just doesn't seem fiscally responsible, you know?   I'm just going to wager a guess that most of the people donating to this cause are members of Occupy Wall Street because, well, they are "the 99%".  From the stories I've heard and read about OWS, they seem to attract the "woe is me, I had to take out student loans, and I can't pay them back" crowd.  So, instead of paying on their own loans, they're rewarding people who defaulted on their debt--so they can rack up more?  (It's statistical.  The root of the problem is not solved, just the symptoms.)  So, instead of taking care of their own messes, they're giving their money to others, "giving a drunk a drink" if you will.  I know, I know.  This is an extreme what if scenario, but this is where my mind goes.

Perhaps my heart needs work.

We voted on some financial matters at church this month, and I abstained from voting.  My heart is hurting over this, too.  Am I faithless?  Do I believe that God can do big things?  YES, I DO!  I sat in church this morning and counted 18--EIGHTEEN!--small children on the steps for the children's sermon, knowing that when we came here, there were three or four children that would be there regularly.  God has done big things in our church and I know that he's not done yet.  So, why do I have anxiety about the money stuff?

For the same reason the OWS thing seems conflicting to me.

Because I'm selfish and depraved.  I'm a sinner.  And I have to re-remind myself about God's nature and sovereignty and BIGness, and about the gospel story--every day.

Exhaustion

Forgive me if I've pontificated on this before, but it's something that is on my mind again as I sit exhausted.

This year, the state legislature, in an effort to "help" some of the districts on the coast whose counties benefit most from the tourism industry, mandated a late start date for every district in the state.  Teachers in my district were originally supposed to report on July 30, with students returning on August 6.  Instead, students across the state had to wait two more weeks.  Great for them, right, because they got two more weeks of summer?  Teachers reported on August 13.  Great for us, because we had two more weeks of summer, too?

No.

I say it again.  NO!

This has not been a good thing.  What this did for us was to take two weeks out of our school year.  The end date is the same, so breaks were eliminated.  Practically nonexistent.

We started August 20, and then got September 3 off for Labor Day.  We have not had a break since.  That was TWO months ago.  Essentially, that's one whole grading period without a break.  We'll have Veteran's Day off, and three days at Thanksgiving, six school days at Christmas, one workday before kids return after the holidays, MLK day immediately after that, Spring Break at the end of March (but not if we have bad weather days--then they'll take days away from Spring Break), and nothing else.

I'm exhausted.  And I'm not the only one.  Teachers at my school are taking personal and sick days (scheduling doctor's appointments during the school day) just to get a break.  I can't afford to take any sick or personal days, because I might actually have to use them if Elsie and/or Oscar get sick.  Last year, I was using them as fast as I was accumulating them (1 per month) when the kids got sick.

The trade-off for not having teacher work days or holidays built into the schedule (except for a paltry few--for which I am most thankful!) is that I'm having to use "home time" to finish school stuff, or let it go undone.  Trying to balance out my time and spend time with my family frequently means that the dishes and laundry go undone and that there is a layer of dust on stuff.  But, floors are mostly vacuumed (Roomba!) and trash goes out on Mondays, so I'm not completely crazy.

I am behind at school and I am behind at home.

I'm exhausted.  Did I say that?

I know, I know.  Wah wah wah.  You work your job without breaks here and there.  And we even get summers off, right, so what the heck am I complaining about?

I'll just say that until you (or state legistators) set foot in a classroom full time, you can never truly understand and appreciate how draining it is to interact with other people's children all day long.  And then to go home to your own children who drain the rest of your energy (I don't even know how single parents who are teachers do it).  When will you get to recharge your batteries?  Teachers need the time away from students to do this.  That's what summer is for.  That's what integrated breaks are for.

I'm exhausted.  I don't know if I'm going to make it to the three-day weekend coming up.

Prayers, please.

Cheers.